There are times in life, where after the loss of a loved one through death or abandonment, one is at risk of becoming one of those empty shell people. You’ve probably met one before – someone that has no gleam in their eyes, is flat, or looks sad and scared all of the time.
I was at risk for a long time. I knew it at least and have been doing everything in my power to avoid becoming an ESP (empty shell person). And while I didn’t have the money to buy a villa in Tuscany the way that Frances did in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun, I did know what the one major thing I needed to heal was. What I needed was to hear the truth from my ex-boyfriend about why he really ended our relationship. I’m sure he got closure, but he left things an open-ended mess with me.
So, first, I asked. I asked a couple of different times. I asked several different times. No response. Wait – once he responded to say he was working on one, but really he was accusing me of writing some bullshit about him on some cheesy Web site where women go to post a bunch of crap about guys who have burned them. Not my style.
Living with pain every day is hard. Forcing yourself to find joy in something, plan something to look forward to, find one little thing to make you happy and get you through the day, can be difficult, but is necessary for survival. Therapy helps, but no therapist can speak for an ex-boyfriend, and honestly mine was just as baffled by his avoidance of giving me the answers I needed as I was.
I got to the point where I didn’t expect to ever get any answers, but I still had a lot of pain and I felt it would be therapeutic to share it with certain people that had loved and supported us in our relationship. So, I asked one last time, with the FYI that if I didn’t hear anything I planned to communicate my pain, confusion, frustration and truth. Tell me the truth, or face the consequences of mine.
I sent the email to him one morning. I heard back in two hours. 17 months, one day and two hours.
I didn’t mean for it to be a threat, because I really didn’t think I’d get any response, and that I’d be sending my letters out. I thought of it more as an FYI. But, he felt threatened enough to finally give me an answer. And that answer has freed me.
The irony is what I learned gave me even more closure that I could have expected. I learned something really important about him and his character. This man, who I loved and thought I would marry and raise a family with, was never willing to give me what I needed to heal when I specifically asked for it. Instead, he would only give it out of fear that I would tell my truth. That letter I was going to send wasn’t filled with hate for him, but was filled with my pain and my confusion about how I had and was still being treated; and it was actually filled with a lot of love and concern for him.
Am I proud of the approach I took in the end? No and yes.
No, because I’d never want anyone to feel threatened by me, especially someone that I love and care about, but he did – for whatever reason my truth scared the crap out of him (probably because it was true?).
Yes, because of what the result has done for me – I have inner peace, I no longer have to spend energy on wondering “why” all of the time, and I got my power back! I’m still kind of flabbergasted at what’s been achieved. No one ever thought I was going to get the answers I needed, and I had pretty much accepted the fact that I wouldn’t. But, in my final act of “tough love” to communicate my truth in an effort to help me heal, I ended up getting the very thing I’d been pleading for.
As a result, I feel like a completely different woman, and to those that know me best there has been a noticeable change in only a few days – my tone, my energy – the risk of becoming an ESP is over. It’s like in Lord of the Rings – Two Towers when Gandalf lifts the spell of the King of Rohan. But of course, I faced consequences for delivering mine to him – I’ve lost a few friends on Facebook and may lose a couple more – I can live with that.
But the strangest consequence for me is that he actually he seems quite bitter and angry with me, and I’m sure he’s bad-mouthing me to friends and family (for wanting to tell the truth y’all). Why? Because I finally found the strength to force the truth out of him, which based on the response could have been so easily written or spoken when we first broke up? Because now that I have the truth he actually received a positive, upbeat thank you note from me rather than the pathetic, heartbroken requests I’d sent in the past? At any rate, I’m okay with those consequences. And, maybe Karma will come hit me with a few more, but I know Karma will visit him too.
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Posted by: supra tk society | November 02, 2011 at 05:20 AM