Journeys With GG

Making More Room for More Positive

Recently, someone I met while I was in still High School asked me why I still put up with them and he was literally reading my mind.  A politically-based post of an infographic I shared on FB sparked a big debate with him that was less about the graphic and more about the recent election and politics in general.  I didn’t go looking for the debate and at first I didn’t understand why he felt the need to bring it to my Facebook page. I had hidden this person from my main news feed some time ago. I thought it had only been for a few months, but in reality it turns out it had been closer to a year.  So, I hopped on his site and found that several of his followers had grown weary of the recent “debates” he’d started on his page and asked him to tone it down.  He did (on his page) but decided to bring it to mine (and maybe the pages of others?).

 

Now, I don’t mind if someone doesn’t share my political or religious views, as long as they generally treat people decently.  I don’t need to know why they disagree with me.  I understand why some people are pro-choice, don’t believe in gay marriage, and don’t want their taxes raised – before I make my mind up about something I consider both sides of the situation and make the final decision on what I’m the most comfortable with and what would likely be most beneficial to the people I care about the most.  And yes, I’m usually more concerned about social rights and issues than I am about tax increases. Sometimes I have some doubt about certain decisions, but allow myself room to make a decision that feels the best, wait and see, and readjust if necessary.  I can accept that others have their own thoughts and opinions and that they get riled up about them.  But really, why go agro – what else is going on? 

 

Note that if someone posts with manic fervor (too much and/or are attempting to create a false perception of their life), but I basically enjoy them in person and would be happy to run into them in the grocery store, I hide their stream.  It’s nice to be able to look in on them from time to time, and even nicer that I don’t have to see their latest MILF photos (yes, I know someone that takes these) or hourly updates (which in my opinion are really only necessary in times of personal crisis when you need support from your friends in the FB community). 

 

I’m also not anti- kid updates. At most, a handful of folks have cute posts about their kids a few times a week.  Many folks post about kids once a week or less.  There is one person in my FB realm (a man) that was at one time posting hourly about their kid and it was taking over my news feed, so I removed it – not for content, but for frequency.  Sometimes less is more (less posts, more satisfaction from seeing the posts).

 

So, as 2013 approaches, I’m going to be streamlining my list of FB friends using the following criteria.   Most of those I delete will probably just go away for reason #1.  However this is also an effort to remove general negativity from my FB feed and make more room for the positive people and their positive experiences in my life.  Some folks going the wayside fall into the 3 – 10 range, some are even multiple offenders. 

 

1. I like you, but you rarely post so which means this probably isn’t the best way for us to keep in touch.  If we need to get in touch I’m sure you will email me or vice versa, or we can find each other on Linked in.
2. You’re an animal.  Literally. You are someone’s pet and are super cute, but we don’t need a Facebook connection.
3. You communicate in an angry and/or aggressive style that often makes people feel they are under personal attack.
4. You are openly disrespectful and/or insensitive to people’s lifestyle choices if they differ from your own.
5. You don’t respect boundaries and/or don’t listen.  When friends direct message you to tell you not to invite them to play games or apps, you still invite them.  When friends tell you they need a break from the debates or aggressive communication on your page, you find a post to use to start a debate on someone else’s page (without permission).  When someone is truthful with you about their actions, you attack them.  When someone feels personally attacked by you, you continue to attack.  When someone tries to set boundaries with you, you cross them.  No means no.
6. You pick fights. Regularly.  You might want to do some psychological research on why that is. 
7. You openly communicate the ups-and-downs of your marriage or romantic relationship on a regular basis with a pattern that is icky.  Example:  You proclaim ultimate, undying, “I’m so grateful for you love” for your spouse/SO one week and are then publicly apologizing to them for treating them badly the next.  It might be better to seek couples therapy rather than “likes” and/or absolution from your Facebook community.
8. You post about the struggles in your life and how you’re trying to overcome them, but appear to spend an inordinate amount of time creating more struggle (for yourself and others) by finding some person/party/group/entity to blame, bully or attempt to make feel as bad as you feel.
9. Your posts and/or FB behavior indicates you are one or more of the following - homophobic, racist, sexist.
10. You don’t accept me as I am and I doubt you ever will.  You’ve openly expressed and voiced your opinions about everything I should change about myself, from the way I think, my political views, where I live, how I hold faith.  You think you know me well enough to know what is best for me and will make me happy, but you don't. I will not sacrifice who I am, or my happiness, to please you and fit the mold of who you think I should be. 

My New Improved Super Green Diet

Now that I've got a lot of my emotional and mental energy back, I really want to focus on my physical energy too.  So, because I don't ever want to go on some lame diet again I started working with a nutrition coach so I can actually figure out what works best for me and for my body.  I've done South Beach and Weight Watchers and even went Vegan for a while in the past, but the thing about those plans is there is always deprivation of some sort - something is getting cut out, your body knows it's getting cut out, and after a while your body rebels.  What I'm learning is that everything out there - from diets to how often you "should" eat every day to super foods, etc. - it's all a fad.  Not everything works for everyone long term.

So, what I've been doing so far is really super easy and it's tailored to me and what my body tells me.  I'm usually not hungry for breakfast until 9 or 10, but really want a hot beverage, so I start the day with a cup of herbal tea or hot water with lemon.

When I do eat I'm supposed to eat leafy greens at each meal, another vegetable, a serving of protein and a serving of grains.  It's really simple.  Oh, and I'm supposed to have a serving of sea vegetables (that's seaweed folks) every day.

The best way I'm getting greens for breakfast is by putting a big handful of spinach into the blender with a piece of fruit and half a cucumber.  Yes, this sounds weird, but it's pretty amazing how the flavor of the fruit dominates, and I've actually grown fond of the pretty green color of it. 

For the rest of the meal the combinations are easy.  I actually really like vegetables and am better at preparing them than I am at cooking meat.  I eat a lot of them but, as I've found, it's better to have a mix between the root, leafy green and nightshade varieties. Even the veggies  that I could take or leave - like radishes -  I'm finding some cool things to do with (Radish Bruschetta - who knew).

The seaweed is another story.  I love the seaweed salad you get at sushi restaurants, but Nori paper can be overwhelming.  I'm getting used to it though - crunching it up in some brown rice with chicken and mushrooms is actually pretty good and I've experimented in making some wraps with them.  I've also found these "Sea Crunchy" snacks that are pretty tasty. 

As a result so far my energy levels have definitely increased.  And my cravings have really decreased.  I have a bad sweet tooth and really in just a weeks it's pretty much vanished.  

And, that's only in the first two weeks.  This is a six-month thing I'm doing to really figure out what works best for my body and by the end of it I hope it will just be ingrained in my lifestyle and that I'll have a bunch of new recipes (and a ton of energy) to show for it.

 

My Long Journey to Find the Truth

There are times in life, where after the loss of a loved one through death or abandonment, one is at risk of becoming one of those empty shell people.  You’ve probably met one before – someone that has no gleam in their eyes, is flat, or looks sad and scared all of the time.

I was at risk for a long time.  I knew it at least and have been doing everything in my power to avoid becoming an ESP (empty shell person).  And while I didn’t have the money to buy a villa in Tuscany the way that Frances did in the movie Under the Tuscan Sun, I did know what the one major thing I needed to heal was. What I needed was to hear the truth from my ex-boyfriend about why he really ended our relationship.  I’m sure he got closure, but he left things an open-ended mess with me.

So, first, I asked.  I asked a couple of different times.  I asked several different times.  No response.  Wait – once he responded to say he was working on one, but really he was accusing me of writing some bullshit about him on some cheesy Web site where women go to post a bunch of crap about guys who have burned them.  Not my style.

Living with pain every day is hard.  Forcing yourself to find joy in something, plan something to look forward to, find one little thing to make you happy and get you through the day, can be difficult, but is necessary for survival.  Therapy helps, but no therapist can speak for an ex-boyfriend, and honestly mine was just as baffled by his avoidance of giving me the answers I needed as I was. 

I got to the point where I didn’t expect to ever get any answers, but I still had a lot of pain and I felt it would be therapeutic to share it with certain people that had loved and supported us in our relationship.  So, I asked one last time, with the FYI that if I didn’t hear anything I planned to communicate my pain, confusion, frustration and truth.  Tell me the truth, or face the consequences of mine.

I sent the email to him one morning.  I heard back in two hours.  17 months, one day and two hours.

I didn’t mean for it to be a threat, because I really didn’t think I’d get any response, and that I’d be sending my letters out.  I thought of it more as an FYI.  But, he felt threatened enough to finally give me an answer.  And that answer has freed me.

The irony is what I learned gave me even more closure that I could have expected.  I learned something really important about him and his character.  This man, who I loved and thought I would marry and raise a family with, was never willing to give me what I needed to heal when I specifically asked for it.  Instead, he would only give it out of fear that I would tell my truth.  That letter I was going to send wasn’t filled with hate for him, but was filled with my pain and my confusion about how I had and was still being treated; and it was actually filled with a lot of love and concern for him.    

Am I proud of the approach I took in the end?  No and yes. 

No, because I’d never want anyone to feel threatened by me, especially someone that I love and care about, but he did – for whatever reason my truth scared the crap out of him (probably because it was true?). 

Yes, because of what the result has done for me – I have inner peace, I no longer have to spend energy on wondering “why” all of the time, and I got my power back!  I’m still kind of flabbergasted at what’s been achieved.  No one ever thought I was going to get the answers I needed, and I had pretty much accepted the fact that I wouldn’t.  But, in my final act of “tough love” to communicate my truth in an effort to help me heal, I ended up getting the very thing I’d been pleading for.

As a result, I feel like a completely different woman, and to those that know me best there has been a noticeable change in only a few days – my tone, my energy – the risk of becoming an ESP is over.  It’s like in Lord of the Rings – Two Towers when Gandalf lifts the spell of the King of Rohan.  But of course, I faced consequences for delivering mine to him – I’ve lost a few friends on Facebook and may lose a couple more – I can live with that. 

But the strangest consequence for me is that he actually he seems quite bitter and angry with me, and I’m sure he’s bad-mouthing me to friends and family (for wanting to tell the truth y’all).  Why?  Because I finally found the strength to force the truth out of him, which based on the response could have been so easily written or spoken when we first broke up?  Because now that I have the truth he actually received a positive, upbeat thank you note from me rather than the pathetic, heartbroken requests I’d sent in the past?  At any rate, I’m okay with those consequences.  And, maybe Karma will come hit me with a few more, but I know Karma will visit him too.